Oh hey... 25?

Fun fact: In just a few short weeks (6 or so) I will be turning 25! I always figured I would handle it with the same grace and poise as I have handled the rest of my birthdays! HA! Fact of the matter is, I am freaking out... anxiety is at an all time high! To aid(??) in my coping I took the time to read over my bucket list, big mistake!

So, as I sit on my bed with a large glass of wine in the midst of a clothesnado (I'm jumping on this Sharknado bandwagon, feel free to judge) I figured that I would share my thoughts on turning 25 with the world! I'd like to lay out a couple of clarifiers though! First off - I am not attempting to make anybody feel bad about my life in anyway, this is not a cry for help or an attempt to get sympathy. Secondly - keep my tone in mind folks, I am sarcastic and as real as these feelings are I am not attempting to be negative. Finally - I KNOW 25 IS NOT OLD... I don't feel old, I just feel feelings... which I will elaborate on further.

This last year I have gone through some extraordinary changes in my life I finally settled on a career path, changed jobs, spent some time in school, moved out from the comfort of two girl roommates, lost some friends, reconnected with others, and split with a gentleman(I'm sure the list is not limited to this). All things considered, I feel as though I have kept it together... at least on the outside. As I near the end of this whirlwind of a year and creep closer to this quarter of a century business I am beginning to evaluate where I am at with my life and I honestly do not feel as though I am as accomplished as I thought I would be! I am not where I thought I would be, and the scares me to death.

As a young buck I figured I would be married with some (1) babies by now, I would be well on my way to owning a home maybe have a puppy and probably being the housewife of the century to my doting husband. I would live in overalls, and keep my hair tied back in a curly flowing ponytail with a bandana tied around my crown... you know basically just keeping it real! It is clear that my priorities have changed quite drastically! These days I am more concerned with making it through the day without looking like an idiot in front of cute fireman, how many dishes I am doing to force myself to do, and if I have a clean pair of tights to wear to work in the morning. The idea of having a family and a life such as the one I used to dream of is very surreal to me now, especially because I am not even in any sort of loving committed relationship with anyone but this wine glass I am nursing pretty well!

To be honest, at this juncture of my life I feel myself resenting those of my friends (and strangers on the street) who are in happy relationships. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond happy and proud of my loved ones who are able to keep it together and work hard at relationships because they are tricky b's I know that first hand. However I find myself questioning what is so wrong with me that I was part of a relationship that failed so miserably, and then I question why I even concern myself with these details anymore. <-- That right there opens up an entirely new can of worms for me everyday! The amount of love I have for this person is astounding to me, still. Even after all the garbage that was pulled I still feel myself uncontrollably drawn to this individual, but at the same time pushed far away (taking a drink... because that was one of the hardest sentences I've ever typed). So anyway, back to reality here. I am no longer in this relationship, and even after seven months it does not feel real. I want to wake up one morning to a remedied life, where everything is glorious and I am in a monogamous and consenting relationship. So far, that hasn't happened... I spend all night dreaming of weird things and waking up to odd Plenty Of Fish messages from 'men'.

Yes! New topic. Online dating guys - this is some weird ass shiz! I feel that as a found adult, meeting people is hard! Your friends try to set you up and it doesn't work out, if you're in school most of the other people are a couple of years younger than you, bars are just a weird place to meet someone who doesn't want to get in your pants and if you're anything like me the guys you work with are gay. So, as a 24 year old woman who was/is feeling a little frumpy and out of sorts I figured I would try this online business that has seemed to work for some people. Thus far... I am less than impressed! Let's be honest, men are weird! I haven't been able to figure it out. Instead of sharing normal conversations, I get a lot of 'hi's' and 'oh cool's' and my all time favorite 'so what are you looking for's?'. Last time I checked, dating sites were for dating, right? This leads me right into dates... going on dates! This is something I am so over I cannot even explain right now (stay tuned for that satirical piece I am also working on). Dates are interviews, I rock at interviews... but I get bored of doing them unless I know there is some sort of gain in it for me, and that has not been promising yet! So... 24 going on 25 and I don't want to go out on dates with men... figure that one out for me, eh!?

The cusp of 25... now I feel like I need to have something to show for my previous 24 years of "experience"? At this point I could show you some pretty fantastic student loans that I have to start paying right away. OH! I could also show you the obscene rent that I pay for my downtown apartment that has become even less appealing now that my bike was stolen and the nicer one beside it was left unscathed. Hmmmm... what else can I show for my life!? I guess I have a number of possessions... most of them being clothes and books... thats pretty sweet, right? I shouldn't forget my Photography Diploma, that is something I am pretty proud of! However, I still feel unaccomplished! I want so badly to be known for so much more! I have a list that grows everyday containing plans, ideas, and pipe dreams that I would love to accomplish!! I just need to find the motivation to do so. Societal construct suggests that I should have so much more to show for my life at this point, and I am falling into to trap believing that I am worth less than I might be because I don't have everything!

I am reaching a point in my life where others my age are doing weird things like buying house, getting married and having babies... what!? It is bizarre to me, but at the same time I am jealous! The people I fell down a mud hill with at safe grad with are being adults, and making adult decisions. I would love to be at that point in my life where some of those things are an option for me... I want something I can pour my entire heart soul and world into... I don't have that at this point! Believe me though, I will find something to smother with Becki-ness (sorry for that).

So... 24 going on 25 is learning experience for me. I am trying to figure out how to be happy and accepting of what I have and what I have accomplished instead of focusing on what I lack! Guys, I am learning this is the hardest thing I have ever done!

September 20 2013 I will be 25 years old. I will be a (probably)single Assistant Manager at Starbucks in Edmonton taking correspondence classes at the University of Athabasca to become a Public Relations something. I will still drink like I'm 19 (I like wine, okay) and hopefully my apartment will not resemble a frat house anymore! I will likely barely be able to cope with the idea of growing another year older, because frankly I am not ready for that but on the outside you will see a smiling wide-eyed girl! Look closely and you will see all those insecurities just waiting for someone to hold my hand and pull them out. As I battle all these anxieties and insecurities I have given a silent vow to make 25 great, everything I missed out on at 24 in the haze of depression will be recognized at 25! I am going to make my bucket list my b-- and accomplish the heck out of everything. It's going to be an interesting year, and I can't wait to see what I come up with.

Turning a quarter of a century is weird, like really weird! I am stuck in this paradox of wanting to be an adult (which I suppose I have been for awhile now) but also wanting to be a friggin teenager! 

So, as I venture into the land of 25 bear with me as I figure out how to walk in these shoes and if I seem distant... you freaking bet I am! I am lost in how to be 25 because I was lost for my entire year of being 24. I didn't realize that this is what being 25 was going to be like, and I don't think I am ready for it... Let's do it though... I haven't figured out how to stop time yet.

It's going to be okay, right?

A rainy day REMEDY in Edmonton.

I woke up this morning and to my delight it was rainy in good old Edmonton! There is something about the sound of rain falling and the fresh smell that sends shivers down my spine and puts a smile on my face!

I didn't have to work until 430 today (technically my day off... I am an excellent employee), so I figured that I would venture through the chilly weather and warm my soul with some of my favourite food!

Remedy is a cafe in Edmonton with two locations, the original location is just south of the river on 109st and the new location is centrally (and conveniently) located on Jasper ave and 103 st. Since the downtown spot opened I have found myself frequenting that one more often since it is so much closer to my home! The atmosphere is very different from the south location as it caters to the downtown business crowd but I still feel incredibly at home as soon as I walk through the door. There is always massive art work on the wall, which frequently changes and the colours of the walls pop and compliment the rows of tapestries that line the window sills. The smell of homemade chai and various curries fill the cafe and you are immediately ready for some tasty homemade food.

The menu boasts a number of wraps, samosas, chai (iced and hot), coffee, tea, as well as a couple Western options for those less brave! There is a handful of cakes and other pastries available each day! Most of the food served has a vegan option, including the beverages as they have four milk choices for individuals to choose from! On the weekends they have a special of Masala Dhosa which is vegan and gluten free, unfortunately I have not tried it yet but with all the good things I hear about it I am anxious to go back and give it a try!

Today I opted for the Sabji wrap which is hands down one of my favourite wraps in the world, as well as a Chai tea (don't tell Starbucks)! I requested that the Sabji wrap has hummus added instead of the standard mayonnaise and this in itself makes the wrap totally vegan and the chai was made with almond milk. I ordered my meal and turned around to find a good friend of mine sitting at the table behind me studying, I figured I would join her for a few minutes while I waited for my lunch to be made. My almond chai came out first and the barista who made my beverage was incredibly pleasant and we shared a few pleasantries and even found some common ground with our love for scarves! My wrap came out less than 10 minutes afterwards, which was a pleasant surprise.


The chai as always was hot, and sweet with the perfect amount of spice. I do find that the almond milk adds a little bit extra sweetness which I find to be quite pleasant. I have to admit that I am never disappointed with the chai tea that is served as the syrup is handmade by the owner on a regular basis.

The wrap was just as lovely as always. At only $8 you get more than enough! The wraps are huge and usually big enough for more than one meal and they are packed with fresh ingredients like spinach, chick peas, carrots, broccoli and cauliflower. The curry is perfectly spiced and not to overwhelming as you are able to taste the different layers and the freshness of the vegetables. My all time favourite part of the meals you get at Remedy is the mystery brown sauce. To this day I do not know what it contains, but is perfectly sweet and pairs insanely well with the spicy nature of the wrap and it brings together all of the flavours beautifully!

All in all, my visits to Remedy are amazing! There is a friendly warmth to the cafe and there is always a familiar face waiting to have a pleasant conversation! The staff is knowledgeable about the products served and they are always eager to hear your feedback about your favourite foods. Never have I left feeling disappointed and hungry!

On such a gloomy rainy day, Remedy was exactly what the doctor ordered.

BEDIM: Serious catch up, again!

Day 18: Childhood story
I feel like the most prominent story in my childhood that I look back at with fondness quite often is the day that a creek stole my flip flop!
Let me start from the beginning. It was a summer day and I was playing with my brother and friends in our backyard, which we were growing quite bored of. So we decided that it would be a good idea to make our way down to a part of the creek behind my house that had a small waterfall and a large pipe that the stream flowed into. In order to get to this area though we had to jump over a fence and run through the neighbours backyard which we seemingly had no issues doing. We spent hours down in that area just pretending that we were The Boxcar Kids (I truly hope some of you catch this reference), we had completely different lives when we were there. I remembering feeling so free and so adult, to this day it is one of my favourite places in the world!
So, after a couple of hours we felt like it was probably time to head back home! In order to do so we had to cross back over the stream and for whatever reason I decided to walk across a fallen log in the creek instead of taking the easy route over the top of the huge pipe. I felt like I was doing well until I slipped on a wet spot and fell right into the creek, it wasn't deep and there was no risk of drowning don't worry! I was shocked that something so silly had happened to me, but I quickly went right to confusion because my foot was lodge into the thick mud of the bottom of the creek! I pulled it out and to my dismay my shoe did not come with my foot. We spent half an hour trying to find my flip flop with no luck! So with sadness and shame I walked back to the house soaking wet and with one single shoe!
As chapped as I was that I was soaked and shoeless I loved that day and I remember how blessed my childhood was that I was surrounded by such natural beauty and the insane amount of creativity we possessed to play for hours with nothing but nature!

Day 19: My 5 favourite blogs!
In no particular order.
1. Arianne - I love her view on the world and what goes on in it! She is stunning, amazing, positive and so spiritual that it blows me away! I could spend hours reading and re-reading about her adventures!
2. Alex - She is raising an outstandingly beautiful family! Her girls are gorgeous and I feel as if I know them, even though I've only met one as a tiny little baby!
3. abeautifulmess.com - So many crafts, recipes and other inspiring things! I love it all!!!
4. ohsheglows.com - Vegan recipes for days, and every one of them that I have tried is fluffing delicious!
5. bitchesgottaeat.blogspot.ca - She talks about real things that some people are afraid to admit! She acknowledges some ridiculous single girl behaviour, or just girl behaviour in general! She possesses an amazing talent for hysterical writing!

Day 20: Something I struggle with.
I have high anxiety, so lets be real. I struggle with a lot of things on a daily basis! Right now the biggest one would be, dealing with change! For those of you who know me well know that I have a very clear plan in life and any little hiccup can wreck things pretty intensely! Right now in my life things are very up in the air and it is hard for me to get up and out of bed and seize the day like I know that I should. There are parts of my life that I thought were set in stone and I was able to stop worrying about, but I have very recently been proven wrong! I am working to let it go, and be easy and just make the best of the situation. Dang is it ever hard though!

Day 21: My favourite blog archives.
Bahhhh... I can't do this one! I know, total cop out! I think all of my posts have been equally great thus far... nothing is standing out!

Day 22: My rant.
This one is so easy for me, right now away! I want to rant about the stigma that people seem to have about body types! People come in all difference shapes and sizes and it is time that we recognize each and every single one of them is beautiful in their own way! We need to stop telling people what their measurements should be, or that they are only beautiful if they fit into a size 6! Curvy women, and curvy men are also beautiful! We need to stop with this idea of the "ideal body shape". The ideal body shape is human shaped! Do you have a torso, arms and legs? Then you are perfect! Heck, you don't even need to have arms and legs. If you have a heart, a mind and all the organs you need to stay alive you are a stunning and gorgeous individual!! As long as you are able to honour yourself, have confidence in yourself and use the talents and positive traits you have been given you are beautiful!
I will say this again, and I will say it till the day I die: Stop focusing on the numbers on the scale or the numbers on your clothing tags! Embrace all the beauty you possess!
Boom...

Day 23: Things I've learned that school did not teach me.
- How to effectively grocery shop for a week (or so) worth of meals. This is a sad thing to admit, but there are nights where I eat Tutti Frutti and half a bottle of wine for dinner...
- Taxes happen, every year!
- Room mates will get on your nerves, moreso than siblings.
- You actually have to continuously clean your house (what!?)
- Having the ability to write a killer paper will mean nothing if you have no life skills to apply to a pretty crappy job you may have to work (something about paying your dues...)
I am positive that I could go on, but I will stop for now.

Kind of caught up, again!

Things have been really insane with work and life the last couple of weeks! I seem to pass the days away without even realizing it sometimes! My hope is that life calms down and I am able to breath and enjoy the beautiful weather we seem to be having lately!

Be well.
Becki

BEDIM: Day 15/16/17

Another couple days where I fully blew at this! But, thats okay. Days off are the days we can use to catch up, right?

DAY 15: A Day in the life.

To be honest, my days change... all the time! It is the life of a shift worker and sometimes my schedule can be pretty up in the air! Here was Wednesday the 15th though!

My day started out (earlier than my watch claims), I woke up at 4am to get ready to go to work. 

At 5am I hit the road to bike to work!

Since I am habitually early for work I sat outside and enjoyed the beautiful weather for about 15 mins while I waited for my barista to arrive at work! 

The next 8 1/2 hours are spent in this beauty of a cafe, mind you it is also +30 degrees inside the cafe. Our air conditioner does this funny thing that involves it freezing and shutting off... 

2pm I leave work and bike home to eat some lunch! 

Then I have a shower and prepare for a special coffee/shopping date with one of my lovely friends! I haven't seen her in a week or so and I was itching to give her the graduation gift that I picked out especially for her! (They were some gemstones in a necklace, and she loved them!)

We did a little bit of shopping, even though the both of us her borderline exhausted!

Then we finished off the day by hitting up Remedy downtown so that we could get some delicious take out food. Also, I need everyone to know that this is THE BEST hummus you will ever try in your entire life. 

I went to bed around 11pm that night, I feel the only way I managed to stay up that late was the copious amounts of coffee that I drank throughout the day!

Day 16: My "lot in life"

To be honest, I do not feel like I am hard done by! When I think of the phrase "lot in life" I very much attribute it to people who are unable to catch a break and they end up homeless, or broke, or they lose all their loved ones etc... 

I have to say that I am one lucky lady! Yes, I do have days where I feel a bit negative but in the grande scheme of things I have nothing to complain about at this moment in time. 

In the past I have had speed bumps, but I have always had more than enough support in my life to get over them! I have gone through a pretty severe sickness for a couple of months, an eating disorder, heartbreak, family problems... anything and everything! But the support system I have had is outstanding! 

So, instead of mulling about the things that suck I would like to take the time to thank all of the amazing people that I have in my life! I won't name any names at this juncture because you all know who you are! You all mean the world to me, and I cannot even imagine what my life would be like without all of you. Thank you for everyone who has come in and out of my life (and some of you have come back in again), you have helped to shape me into the woman that I am today! 

Day 17: A favorite photo of myself

Realistically, this is just a very simple photo. There is nothing really special about it, but I have to say at the moment this photograph was taken I knew that I was going to be okay! At this moment I knew that I had moved on, I had took a deep breath and started anew. Maybe there was some hurt still there, but I was using the pain that I felt, and the things I was going to in a positive way! I used my previous experience to make me stronger, smarter and an even better version of myself! I realized at the moment this photo was taken that I didn't need someone in my life who was willing to hurt me, more than I could ever expect someone to hurt you. I realized that no one will love me and respect as much as my friends and family and then it hit me! I was not going to waste my emotional and physical energy being upset! I walked out of my washroom after this was taken (yeah its in the bathroom!) and I have been rocking it ever since! No I am not perfect, yes I have bad days, but! I am all together rocking my life. 

That was kind of a huge ramble, I apologize! But I do believe that I got my point across!! 

Be well :)

BEDIM: Day 12/13/14

Clearly a fail, I missed 3 days! Anyway, I am catching up today and hopefully tomorrow will be another new day!

Day 12: What do I miss? 

Honestly, pinpointing one thing is kind of hard for me at this point in my life. It is human nature to miss things, and I don't feel that it is a character flaw to admit that I miss a lot of things! For the purpose of this days post I will attempt to narrow it down to one specific thing!
I miss the naivety that I had as a child, I miss being able to spend my life just questioning anything and everything! I miss not understanding how so much of the world works and assuming that each and every person is good and they mean what they do to have the best of intentions. This does not mean that I have a jaded view of the world (I promise), I have just spent the last year or so of my life realizing that things are not perfect all the time, and you cannot always make everything right with a simple hug. Living life with a positive disposition is hard, it takes a lot of emotion effort. So yes, I miss the lack of knowledge I had about the world, but I do not regret the intelligence that I have now.
Confusing? Maybe.

Day 13: My public apology.

I have a habit of not apologizing for a lot of the things that I do, unless it is completely warranted! But I feel like this might be necessary after I look back on my last couple of days!

To the residents of Edmonton:

I am about to begin biking to work on a daily basis. On a normal day I am a very anxious person, but when you add in spinning wheels underneath me and my lack of direction it is about to become much worse.

I do not plan on listening to music while biking, nor do I intend to use my cellphone because that is simply idiotic. However, I get nervous and I feel unsafe on my bicycle.

I plan to practice, and I do hope to get better over time but I cannot promise that it is going to be an easy transition. However I do promise to use side roads as well as sidewalks in order to stay out of the way of any other moving vehicles.

Please be patient with me as I get my bearings!

Thank you, and countless apologies in advance.

Day 14: Ten things that make me very happy.

1. Ke$ha songs, every single one of them.
2. When I find a carbonated beverage that is not packed with sugars and unnatural additives.
3. Whipping together a dinner that turns out to be absolutely delicious.
4. Musicals!
5. The feeling you get when you finish reading an outstanding book.
6. Listening to my iPod and going for a long evening walk.
7. Thunderstorms, they are just so romantic!
8. Super cute animals memes.
9. Yoga.
10. The feeling you get when you have an amazing conversation with your closets friends, you know the ones that make you feel like you have opened a new door in your relationship.

Three days in one! I tried to make them short and to the point!

Be well!

BEDIM: Day 11 (and a little bit of catch up)

It's been suggested to me that I sell myself in 10 words, I am not especially good at selling myself so I will give this a shot!

1. Ambitious
2. Creative
3. Outspoken
4. Introverted (but not in a bad way)
5. Loyal
6. Trustworthy
7. Fashionable
8. Hilarious
9. Clean
10. Environmental

I have to admit, this took me an extremely long time to write... I hope this counts as selling myself! I feel like I just listed some descriptive words.

Day 1: I am catching up... I don't want anyone to miss out on learning more information about me!

I was born in Comox BC precisely one minute before my twin brother. 22 months later my younger brother came along and shortly after that we moved to Terrace BC, there I spent the majority of my childhood! I was blessed with the privilege of attending a private Christian school where my mum was teaching, as well as living in a large beautiful house with a very large backyard. I was always taught to take pride in what I do, and work hard for anything that I wanted all while playing hard and enjoying the age that I was at. Although I spent most of my childhood being kind of a loner I felt that it was very fulfilled and I don't believe I missed out on anything.

When I was 12 we moved to Edmonton and I was thrown into public school, as shocking as it was I was able to find myself and eventually make some life long friends.

I finished high school, received a photography diploma online and worked a number of pretty horrific jobs!

I have had some amazing experiences, have learned more about myself and others than I could ever imagine and have grown into an strong and substantial woman! I am back in school working towards a Public Relations degree and working at Starbucks, a job that I finally feel I enjoy and can say that I love!

Two days in one post... slowly but surely I will catch up to all the other lovely ladies out there!

Be well.
Becki

BEDIM - Day 10... I'm behind, this is normal!

So, I am late to hope this bandwagon... but some of my fav bloggers are doing this so I figured that it was time I got started on this! I have to admit that blogging everyday will be a pretty intense challenge but I am giving it a solid try!! 

 

Day 10: Embarrassing moment.

I really did not think to hard on this one, only because it has stuck with me for years... and years... and years. Though, I have not allowed it to hinder my growth my mind will wander back to this experience pretty often. 

I was about 11 years old and was finally able to attend summer camp for the first time in my life! Everything was going really great and I was enjoying the week of "independence" and one night at dinner I realized that I had to pee pretty badly! I wasn't prepared to miss out on any of the fun and so I chose to hold it (since in order to relieve myself I would have to venture to one of the countless outhouses on the property). I held it through dinner, and through some of the evening festivities to the point where I felt like I would not be able to hold it any longer. At that point I found my friend Nina and asked her to come with me, she agreed and we headed off on the short walk! To by dismay someone was using the outhouse when we arrived and so I waited as patiently as I possibly could. For whatever reason, it felt like an eternity! Suddenly, I felt relief. I knew at that moment there was no way I would be able to stop what was happening... so yes! I wet my pants. To make matters worse, although it was an all girls summer camp the owners of the property had a son (one who thought I was super cute). At the moment I was standing there with a very obvious situation happening down south, he chose to walk past and I did not have the time to scurry away and hide. 

I am sure he doesn't remember this moment, or remember who I am for  that matter! But I assure you, I do not hold it anymore. When I feel the need I take off running!