So, as I sit on my bed with a large glass of wine in the midst of a clothesnado (I'm jumping on this Sharknado bandwagon, feel free to judge) I figured that I would share my thoughts on turning 25 with the world! I'd like to lay out a couple of clarifiers though! First off - I am not attempting to make anybody feel bad about my life in anyway, this is not a cry for help or an attempt to get sympathy. Secondly - keep my tone in mind folks, I am sarcastic and as real as these feelings are I am not attempting to be negative. Finally - I KNOW 25 IS NOT OLD... I don't feel old, I just feel feelings... which I will elaborate on further.
This last year I have gone through some extraordinary changes in my life I finally settled on a career path, changed jobs, spent some time in school, moved out from the comfort of two girl roommates, lost some friends, reconnected with others, and split with a gentleman(I'm sure the list is not limited to this). All things considered, I feel as though I have kept it together... at least on the outside. As I near the end of this whirlwind of a year and creep closer to this quarter of a century business I am beginning to evaluate where I am at with my life and I honestly do not feel as though I am as accomplished as I thought I would be! I am not where I thought I would be, and the scares me to death.
As a young buck I figured I would be married with some (1) babies by now, I would be well on my way to owning a home maybe have a puppy and probably being the housewife of the century to my doting husband. I would live in overalls, and keep my hair tied back in a curly flowing ponytail with a bandana tied around my crown... you know basically just keeping it real! It is clear that my priorities have changed quite drastically! These days I am more concerned with making it through the day without looking like an idiot in front of cute fireman, how many dishes I am doing to force myself to do, and if I have a clean pair of tights to wear to work in the morning. The idea of having a family and a life such as the one I used to dream of is very surreal to me now, especially because I am not even in any sort of loving committed relationship with anyone but this wine glass I am nursing pretty well!
To be honest, at this juncture of my life I feel myself resenting those of my friends (and strangers on the street) who are in happy relationships. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond happy and proud of my loved ones who are able to keep it together and work hard at relationships because they are tricky b's I know that first hand. However I find myself questioning what is so wrong with me that I was part of a relationship that failed so miserably, and then I question why I even concern myself with these details anymore. <-- That right there opens up an entirely new can of worms for me everyday! The amount of love I have for this person is astounding to me, still. Even after all the garbage that was pulled I still feel myself uncontrollably drawn to this individual, but at the same time pushed far away (taking a drink... because that was one of the hardest sentences I've ever typed). So anyway, back to reality here. I am no longer in this relationship, and even after seven months it does not feel real. I want to wake up one morning to a remedied life, where everything is glorious and I am in a monogamous and consenting relationship. So far, that hasn't happened... I spend all night dreaming of weird things and waking up to odd Plenty Of Fish messages from 'men'.
Yes! New topic. Online dating guys - this is some weird ass shiz! I feel that as a found adult, meeting people is hard! Your friends try to set you up and it doesn't work out, if you're in school most of the other people are a couple of years younger than you, bars are just a weird place to meet someone who doesn't want to get in your pants and if you're anything like me the guys you work with are gay. So, as a 24 year old woman who was/is feeling a little frumpy and out of sorts I figured I would try this online business that has seemed to work for some people. Thus far... I am less than impressed! Let's be honest, men are weird! I haven't been able to figure it out. Instead of sharing normal conversations, I get a lot of 'hi's' and 'oh cool's' and my all time favorite 'so what are you looking for's?'. Last time I checked, dating sites were for dating, right? This leads me right into dates... going on dates! This is something I am so over I cannot even explain right now (stay tuned for that satirical piece I am also working on). Dates are interviews, I rock at interviews... but I get bored of doing them unless I know there is some sort of gain in it for me, and that has not been promising yet! So... 24 going on 25 and I don't want to go out on dates with men... figure that one out for me, eh!?
The cusp of 25... now I feel like I need to have something to show for my previous 24 years of "experience"? At this point I could show you some pretty fantastic student loans that I have to start paying right away. OH! I could also show you the obscene rent that I pay for my downtown apartment that has become even less appealing now that my bike was stolen and the nicer one beside it was left unscathed. Hmmmm... what else can I show for my life!? I guess I have a number of possessions... most of them being clothes and books... thats pretty sweet, right? I shouldn't forget my Photography Diploma, that is something I am pretty proud of! However, I still feel unaccomplished! I want so badly to be known for so much more! I have a list that grows everyday containing plans, ideas, and pipe dreams that I would love to accomplish!! I just need to find the motivation to do so. Societal construct suggests that I should have so much more to show for my life at this point, and I am falling into to trap believing that I am worth less than I might be because I don't have everything!
I am reaching a point in my life where others my age are doing weird things like buying house, getting married and having babies... what!? It is bizarre to me, but at the same time I am jealous! The people I fell down a mud hill with at safe grad with are being adults, and making adult decisions. I would love to be at that point in my life where some of those things are an option for me... I want something I can pour my entire heart soul and world into... I don't have that at this point! Believe me though, I will find something to smother with Becki-ness (sorry for that).
So... 24 going on 25 is learning experience for me. I am trying to figure out how to be happy and accepting of what I have and what I have accomplished instead of focusing on what I lack! Guys, I am learning this is the hardest thing I have ever done!
September 20 2013 I will be 25 years old. I will be a (probably)single Assistant Manager at Starbucks in Edmonton taking correspondence classes at the University of Athabasca to become a Public Relations something. I will still drink like I'm 19 (I like wine, okay) and hopefully my apartment will not resemble a frat house anymore! I will likely barely be able to cope with the idea of growing another year older, because frankly I am not ready for that but on the outside you will see a smiling wide-eyed girl! Look closely and you will see all those insecurities just waiting for someone to hold my hand and pull them out. As I battle all these anxieties and insecurities I have given a silent vow to make 25 great, everything I missed out on at 24 in the haze of depression will be recognized at 25! I am going to make my bucket list my b-- and accomplish the heck out of everything. It's going to be an interesting year, and I can't wait to see what I come up with.
Turning a quarter of a century is weird, like really weird! I am stuck in this paradox of wanting to be an adult (which I suppose I have been for awhile now) but also wanting to be a friggin teenager!
So, as I venture into the land of 25 bear with me as I figure out how to walk in these shoes and if I seem distant... you freaking bet I am! I am lost in how to be 25 because I was lost for my entire year of being 24. I didn't realize that this is what being 25 was going to be like, and I don't think I am ready for it... Let's do it though... I haven't figured out how to stop time yet.
It's going to be okay, right?
