Single nature, at its finest.

I continue to make the best of each situation I am in these days, and regardless of what is on the horizon for me (I look forward to it, whatever the fates have in store for me), I felt like it was necessary to share some of the greatest parts of being single. We all think it... all the time, but a lot of the time we suffocate those thoughts because there is that shrill voice telling you that YOU MUST do whatever you can to land yourself a monogamous relationship again as soon as possible. Dang it... stifle the shrill bitch and love your life. Whatever stage you are at! Allow all the cool things life has in store to just happen organically. 

I am not declaring a moratorium on men by any means, I am simply celebrating all the wonderful things about being single for those of us who are (at the moment and for as long as we consciously choose to, without backlash from the societal standards - yep - held over our heads) and to maybe even make those in relationships a bit jealous... am I right, eh!?

Although this may be directed primarily towards women, I believe that it is pretty easy to move a couple words and thoughts around to fit a man. So men, relate all you need!

1. Guilt free flirtation. Now realistically... I flirt all day everyday, I have found that it makes my job a little bit more interesting and it makes the time pass. Plus tips (a girl needs the extra cash sometimes). You can giggle and flip your hair until you pull a muscle if that is what you choose to do, and there will be no feeling of guilt or that looming potential of "going to far"... and no boys will feel the need to spread their peacock feathers or establish dominance, because apparently that never goes out of style for anything with testosterone.

2. The bed is yours, all yours! If you want to fill it up with 1500 pillows... do it! If you want to lay starfish right in the middle of your bed the entire night... do it! If you want to burrito yourself up in all of the covers... do it! If you have to get up in the middle of the night to pee... do it! We no longer have to worry about disturbing that special boy who was sharing the bed with you! 

*Disclaimer... if you have a cat like mine, you will NEVER GET THE BED TO YOURSELF AGAIN. I think it is important to point out that he is currently laying smack dab in the middle of the bed with his head on a misplaced pillow while I ball up in the corner of the bed typing away. I mean, who does he think he is... 

3. You don't have to think about wether or not your boyfriend will like the outfit you are wearing. So, I have these leggings... well 2 pairs of leggings, and I love them! I mean LOVE THEM. They are a level of tacky and gorgeous that I have a hard time explaining well. One of them is a floral print, and the other is a faux leather. They are majestic, and I am majestic in them. However, the last 2 males that I was involved with hated them, and I resented them a little bit for them! Ladies, men know almost nothing about women's fashion so wear whatever you want! Eccentricities are then best. Man, I think I might go put those floral babies on right now. Rock it all day, everyday.

4. Red lipstick? Wear it all the days, because no man is going to try and inhale your face at any point.

5. All of the delicious food in your cupboard and fridge that you bought in a hunger filled PMS driven trip to the supermarket is all yours! You won't come home to find an empty bag of gingerbread oreos, those babies will be there to coddle you until YOU have eaten them all. 

6. Grooming doesn't exist... you can also look like complete garbage when you are at home by yourself, because you know that your room mate has already seen you at the absolute worst you could be at because you locked yourself in the bathroom accidentally when you were dying your hair and you needed her help to mix the second bottle of dye. Don't forget you chose that time to not wear pants... (true story). In realty, when you are at home you can basically do/look like whatever you want. You have no one else to impress, nobody who you have to consider when choosing a movie (unless it is movie night with the roomie, that is entirely different), nobody that you have to double check with when cooking dinner, nobody to worry about bothering if you want to stay up late and watch questionable television in your bed.

7. You no longer have to question where half of your stuff went, because it is no longer at your boyfriends house! Wear whatever you want whenever you want since there is no chance your wardrobe is spread across the city. Bonus, you don't have to carry around half of your life in your purse - just in case you spend the night at the boys house! 

8. First kisses... first everything, really! As awkward and weird as dating is (and whoever says anything other then that is lying... mostly to themselves), there are still those super fun 'first times'. It gives you that funny feeling. And unless you are a socially awkward, slightly racist, super sarcastic, introverted, but a truly well meaning human (much like myself) - getting to know someone is super fun! I suppose I would have to admit that it can be fun, even for those who are inept at life.

9. There is no tiny little imaginary pedestal that you have to balance on everyday all day. I don't know if this rings true for a lot of people, or any people really. I always feel like I need to attain a girlfriend-esq demeanour when I am in a relationship. Not even out of obligation, but because I want too. I like to be someone that my partner is proud of, and I try my darndest not to do those small little things that I know said parter does not really appreciate. Maybe once I find someone who is ideally suited to me this won't be an issue anymore, but dang it gets exhausting trying to make sure that you continue to be the person your loved one fell in love with. Anyway, when you are single you can be whoever you want to be. If you want to be cranky as heck one day, you can be. If you want to be in a silly mood which ends you giggling as the most inane things, you can be. If you want to sit on your bed and listen to Chris Daughtry sing about a woman who is waiting for her Superman while you cry, you can! These are all characteristics that make us human, and what makes us human makes us beautiful. FRIG! I think I just had a breakthrough, any man who wants me gets all of me... all the time! I think I just threw away my pedestal; I will stand on my own two feet - as shaky as they may be!

10. Okay, so this is one of my favourites. Also another one that is a little bit more serious then the rest. As a single person, you are able to spend all of your time learning who you are. You are able to focus on all of the little (and big) things that might have been neglected because you got yourself wrapped up in a relationship that would inevitably fail. This one hits me real good and hard every time I think about it, because I know how that I allowed myself to get way to distracted by one of my partners and I lost myself. The seriousness of the situation was so much that I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to find myself again. GUESS WHAT THOUGH, GUYS! I totally did. I spent almost a year searching for all those things that make me happy, just me... no one else! When you don't have to focus all of your energy (or a lot of it) on another person it frees up a lot of time for you to 'do you' - that phrase still makes me chuckle. I feel like I am finally able to say with confidence that I know who I am, I know what I want to do, and I kind of sort of know how I am going to get there. I now have a much better understanding of who I am, and what I am about because I took the time to get to know myself rather then get to know someone else or turn myself into something I didn't really want to be. A funny thing happens when you take time for yourself too... everything else around you seems to be a little bit easier! My job is no longer quite as emotionally exhausting, some of my other personal relationships with people have fallen into place, mundane life chores and errands really do not seem so bad anymore. It is just funny how all those things seems to work themselves out.

This list could go on forever, I can guarantee that but I think that is truly because I have made such a decision to be so happy with my life no matter what is happening! I am not perfect, I will have bad days and that is okay! But I mean... I made my life what it is, so I am going to enjoy all of the minutes of it! 

I hope you were able to share some laughs with me, and for those who are in a position to relate - I hope that you did! For those who are not single, I hope you were able to take something from this, whatever that may be! 

Till next time, be well! I am off to go flirt with some boys.

It's 2014.

I find myself browsing through some of my old posts and I realize just how long it has been since the last time I posted something... I have found that lately I have been starting countless posts but not being able to finish them. I truly hope that in the New Year I will be able to share my life and experiences with everyone that much more.

Speaking of life, I thought it was appropriate to share what I am hoping for this coming year!

2013 was not one of the greatest years of my life, I think that I could go as far as saying that it was one of the most emotionally taxing and heartbreaking years of my life but I would like to turn these experiences into something of a positive nature because, I have also learned that it is useless to dwell on such sad experiences. The reality is, they teach us something - sometimes they teach us a lesson that we have no desire to learn (but fate as this funny way of knowing what we need as opposed to what we want) but they also have a tendency to teach us things we didn't know about ourselves but truly wanted to know!

I hope that this coming year teaches me more about myself as an individual, 2013 taught me that I am stronger, more independent and far more resilient than I ever thought I could be. At the beginning of the year my heart was shattered and at the time (even the couple of months following) I didn't think that I would ever be able to recover from something like that. Here I am today though, recently single again, handling it much better then I ever thought I would. Don't get my wrong, being passed up on or being broken up with is still heart wrenching and everyone should take the time to work through their feelings and emotions the proper way but I am still living! I know now that I do not need to rely on any other human to make me complete and the reality is that I need to be complete on my own before I can allow another soul to bond with mine (that makes me sound like a yogi)!

My plan for this year also has me venturing even further into the world of art, the last couple of months I have done more painting and more drawing and more art then I have in the past couple of years and it has felt amazing! I know this is my calling, and I know that I am required to use the natural talent that I possess along with the skills that I have worked hard on to share a message, my message, with the rest of the world. I hope to have my work shown in a couple of local spots this year, and sell as much of my work as possible! This means a new website is on the way, and expect to see a lot more art posts flood this blog page!

I have moved again, back in with my old rookie Sarah and I think it is safe to say that this has been a long time coming for the both of us and so far everything has been delightful. We are still getting a little bit settled in since we are both busy with work and life it is something that hasn't been a quick process, but we are both happy and both at a point of being comfortable in a house filled with love, creativity, and respect for one another. I am excited for our relationship to become even more stronger then it has been in the past as I have the opportunity to learn from Sarah and I hope that she is able to learn from me as well! Speaking of relationships, this year has been a great one for friendships in general. It is funny how when a romantic relationship ends it is able to open doors to a friendship stronger then one you could imagine. I hope this year that I am able to become closer to those around me, there are no more road blocks to friendships in my life and I am able to throw everything I have into my love of those around me and the things that I love to do.

Again, this year is going to be another year of personal growth for me. I will no longer put myself into positions of heartbreak but growth. I will no longer belittle my beliefs and my virtues because it would better a situation. I will learn to become even more independent, both in and out of relationships. I will begin to treat everyone I encounter with the utmost respect since that is what I would expect from everyone else. I will finish the projects that I start, and I will share my excitement for all of the things that I do!

My wish for everyone else is that their year is the greatest one that they cold ever imagine, or even greater. Remember to take time for yourself, take time to honour your passions and fulfill even the smallest of dreams. Do not compare yourself to others, because there is no scale to compare two separate beings. Love to the fullest, and love in entirety. Cherish the moments in which you find the greatest amount of contentment, and the more stock you put in needing to be "the best" the more disappointment you allow yourself. Strive to be "your best" and when you find someone who may be better then you, celebrate them and learn from them. Begin to search within yourself and learn who you are and who you want to portray yourself as to the rest of the world, in that you will find a sense of peace.

Be well, happy 2014!

Giving Thanks

It's that time of year again where everyone begins to think about all the things they are thankful for, and I myself do this as well! So it got me to thinking, why don't we stay thankful all year long? Why is it so hard for us to acknowledge all the things we are thankful for year round? Why do we have to reserve gratefulness for one weekend (or two for those who celebrate Canadian and American Thanksgiving)? It seems as though this is a question that is asked every year... and every year we vow to change our ways...

Rant over!

I wanted to share with everyone some of the things I am the most grateful for this year. So of them may be slightly trivial, but some of them are a little bit more deep rooted. However, I think it is a healthy balance of small and large things that make life worth living and make you a well rounded person!

1. A closet full of fall clothing! I am a very candid autumn lover, and I will talk about all my appropriate clothing to pretty much anyone who will listen! I can finally break out the leggings, the oversized sweaters, the scarves, mittens, hates, and autumn dresses! It makes me happier then I can explain to anyone! Mustard yellows, burgundy, grey, and brown (Ohhhhh the brown boots!) My love affair for fall will never dwindle, I promise you all that!

2. A solid support system. The last year has been one of the hardest of my life, but the amazing group of friends that I have did not leave my side for one minute. They waited as I went through the motions and they waited to be the shoulder to cry when I needed it, and they were there to share in my angriest of moments. Most importantly, they were there to celebrate, laugh, and joke with me when I was ready again. I couldn't ask for a more amazing group of people, and I love them all!

3. Those moments where you have small breakthroughs with people. When you are able to break through to a new and different part of your relationship then you have never experienced before. Those moments where you realize that you will be friends with this person and they will remain an important part of your life for years and years to come.

4. Ryan Gosling... I have no words.

5. Avocados! I eat one everyday and there is no shame in that!

6. The moment in an amazing book that you finally figure out what is happening, and it all makes sense.

7. Finishing a painting, sitting back and realizing that you created this. Right down to the minute details you made this, and you love it!

8. Waking up just a couple of minutes before your alarm goes off but you still feel utterly refreshed so you are able to just lay in your warm bed and enjoy the gift of time you have... even if it is just a few short moments.

9. Corbin! He's just so lovely. Most handsome kitten on the block!

10. My newfound enlightenment in regards to what I want and what I need in a relationship! I have finally figured out what is important to me and I will no longer back down and just let things be. I've come to the realization that I am actually a girl, I have feelings and while sometimes they do tend to be a little irrational they are still my feelings and they are likely very warranted. I have learned to accept that I need to be chased, need to be told that I am beautiful, and need to feel that I am wanted. I no longer try to convince myself that I don't need that, that I am better then that, and that intelligent secure women do not need that kind of reinforcement in their lives. Fact of the matter is, every girl likes that feeling! Every girl deserve to hear that she is beautiful, she deserves flowers, she deserves some guy looking through her eyes and into her heart, she deserves someone who embraces her whole world when he holds her hand. I am still strong, independent, intelligent and awesome... I just want to be treated a little bit like a lady!

While I really could go on and talk about countless other things that I am thankful for, I should let it be for now!

Please, share with me what you are the most thankful for! Also, have a safe and amazing Thanksgiving weekend (remember, it isn't ALL about the size of the turkey).

Be well.

Acorn Squash Soup

At the beginning of the week I decided that I needed to roast a squash, and when I say needed I really mean that! At the moment I cut it, seasoned it, and put it in the oven I really truly felt that I needed to be doing it! Believe me guys, this happens more often then you would think!

The problem was, that I was not sure what I would do with my finished product! So I packaged it up, and threw it in the fridge until I knew what I wanted to create with it. 

Throughout the week the weather became amazing, and by amazing I mean that fall officially hit! I was foggy in the morning, we had a couple days of rain and the temperature is slowly dropping. As much as I love this weather it was leaving me craving food that would warm me to my bones! Obviously pumpkin everything was the most logical thing to do, but I needed to branch out (and use up that tasty squash that I had sitting in the fridge). So, on a particularly chilly night when I was off work late, starving, and oh so cold I felt like it was time to whip this squash into some amazing heart warming soup.

For this soup I used a medium sized acorn squash, since it was what I had in my fridge, but I am certain you would be able to use butternut or even pumpkin! Whatever is plentiful in your home at any given moment in time. 

First off, I sliced up and the squashed and removed all the seeds. Then I drizzled some olive oil, and sprinkled on some Italian Style seasoning and a bit of pepper then baked them in the over for about 45 minutes at 350 degrees. Keep checking on them, and when they are fork tender and it looks like you could separate the skin from flesh they are done!!

From this point on, this is what you will need:

- the squash you have roasted

- a small onion, chopped

- couple stalks of celery chopped

- three cloves of garlic, crushed

- 2 tbsp of olive oil

- 1 can of coconut milk

- 2 cups of vegetable broth

- 1 1/2 cups of frozen peas

- crushed red pepper, to taste
- sriacha, to taste

Whatcha you should do now:

1. Get your lovely boyfriend to peel the skins off the squash and put all of the flesh into a blender while you chop the vegetables and sauté the garlic, onion and olive oil together, on medium heat until tender. Turn element to low.

2. Add the can of coconut milk to the frying pan and gently heat through. Then add the coconut milk mixture to the blender and blend until the squash is a smoothish consistency.

3. Put it all back into the frying pan, add the spices, and the vegetable broth until your desired consistency is reached. Add in frozen peas and heat till warmed through again!

That should be all! Be prepared to enjoy some amazing and delicious soup! (Jonathan really seemed to enjoy it, so I can assume it was good!)

Blogging with a kitten is a way different process!

As many of you lovelies already know, there has been a new addition made to our little household! His name is Corbin, and he is a sweet little ginger kitten. 

I thought now would be an excellent time to share his story so everyone knows how he came into my life!

As most things in my life it began with a simple text message from a friend of mine; in a small panic she asked if I would mind keeping a couple kittens in my bathroom overnight so that they would not be taken to the SPCA by an unpleasant man that will remain nameless. However, we ran into the small problem of me not being back in the city from my vacation yet. So, I suggested that she contact my younger brother to get the keys to our apartment and she would be able to let herself in and situate the kittens safely in the washroom! TimTam agreed (although he was not made aware of a number of the details until I had pressured him to agree)! 

The next day I arrived home in the early evening and promptly rushed to my bathroom, since I was very aware that there was still four kittens playing amongst themselves! I opened the door and immediately died of a cuteness overload! In front of my eyes there were four tiny adorable (and somewhat frightened) little babies trying to figure out why their lives were being uprooted. Admittedly, I sat in my washroom playing with them all for almost an hour! Sending text messages back and forth to my friend who was very concerned that she was inconveniencing me with this litter! She was most definitely the furthest thing from right about that! I was in love with the fact that I had all of these bundles of love under my roof!

After a couple of hours I grew quite attached to them all, but knowing full well I could not keep all of them I focused my attention on one specifically. He seemed to have a much more calm demeanour about him, and was content to watch his brothers and sister play for the most part and only chose to join in when he saw the moment to be fitting. It was clear he would much rather cuddle with someone and enjoy chasing his own tail (how could you not be enamoured with such a kitty)!

Eventually the kittens had to be brought back to their own home where they were comfortable and a small five year old was eagerly waiting, so my friend swung by to pick them up. I slyly asked how upsetting the family would be if I was to keep one of the kittens for my own benefit! With the most sincere thank you I have ever received it was agreed that I would keep the baby boy I fell so in love with! We chased the rest of the kittens around the house trying to catch them and I bid the other three goodbye while clutching my kitten! 

Next came the process of naming my new friend! I knew in my heart that he needed something beginning with 'C' because on either side of his body he has somewhat of an abstract 'C' in his fur! We began to narrow down the possibilities, quickly phasing out names such as Clemence and Cory etc! I was also shot down pretty quickly when I suggested a strong name such as Colonel Fluffster Mc Cutepants (or something equally as degrading). Eventually TimTam and I agreed Corbin fit nicely, especially since I feel that all animals need some sort of adorable human name! 

The next couple of nights were unbelievable and rough, it turns out that having a new kitten is pretty comparable to having a child! I was up all night with him while he cried for his brothers, sister and mum and I spent a greater part of the next couple of days trying to comfort him and help him get used to his new surroundings! However, it has been a couple weeks now and he has settled in very comfortably! 

I cannot explain the amount of love that I get from him everyday! To cuddling with me when I go to sleep, to a very excited greeting when I get home from work! He is always there to fall asleep on my face, or play with my toes while I watch tv! He even sits with me to watch me as I paint and will attempt to type while I blog or text! 

Call me a crazy cat lady if you must, but this little guy is pretty much the greatest and I will use any excuse to talk about him! He is exactly what I was looking for and he fills the void in my heart that Freddy used to fill for me! Even TimTam and Corbin have created a small bromance!

I am not even slightly sorry that there is an obscene amount of cat spam here, he's just the more adorable fluff ball!

Be Well!

Dairy-free Alfredo that will leave you loving life.

I posted this on my Instagram not to long ago, and I was flooded with a number of text messages afterwards asking for the recipe (probably because I raved about it hard to anyone who would listen). So, as promised and in timely manner (pahaha, just kidding) here it is! 

Keep in mind this makes about 2 cups of sauce once it is finished, and about half is sitting in my fridge and has been for about a 5 days... thus far unscathed! I really don't know how long it will keep but I think I am going to use the remainder in a soup this afternoon. I will let you know how that goes.

Ingredients:

1 can of full fat (much to my dismay) of coconut milk

1/2 cup of nutritional yeast (this adds the 'cheesy' flavour - look for it in organic markets such as Planet Organic)

handful of fresh sweet basil (or a tsp-ish of dried basil)

clove of garlic, crushed

salt & pepper to taste (I added a lot of pepper, and it was a good choice)

Combine everything into a food processor or a blender and blend until everything is smooth and combined. No joke, that is it!

To eat it hot, just warm on the stove top for a few minutes! I poured mine of a bit of cooked pasta and a ton of zucchini pasta and PURPLE CAULIFLOWER! I steamed the cauliflower, but I left the zucchini raw, if it is sliced as thinly as I sliced mine it will cook a little bit when it is combined with the hot pasta, vegetables and sauce! 

Also, keep this in mind. I love basil so I did add a lot to mine, so if you are not as much of a basil lover start with half the amount and add to taste! If you choose to consume cheese, you could probably add a little bit when you are heating it up, that could be delicious! 

I made sure that everyone I came into contact with over the next couple days after making this the first time heard about how much I loved it! I went as far as to share bites of it with all my coworkers, I did not hear any complaints from their end! 

Be well.

Becki

Oh hey... 25?

Fun fact: In just a few short weeks (6 or so) I will be turning 25! I always figured I would handle it with the same grace and poise as I have handled the rest of my birthdays! HA! Fact of the matter is, I am freaking out... anxiety is at an all time high! To aid(??) in my coping I took the time to read over my bucket list, big mistake!

So, as I sit on my bed with a large glass of wine in the midst of a clothesnado (I'm jumping on this Sharknado bandwagon, feel free to judge) I figured that I would share my thoughts on turning 25 with the world! I'd like to lay out a couple of clarifiers though! First off - I am not attempting to make anybody feel bad about my life in anyway, this is not a cry for help or an attempt to get sympathy. Secondly - keep my tone in mind folks, I am sarcastic and as real as these feelings are I am not attempting to be negative. Finally - I KNOW 25 IS NOT OLD... I don't feel old, I just feel feelings... which I will elaborate on further.

This last year I have gone through some extraordinary changes in my life I finally settled on a career path, changed jobs, spent some time in school, moved out from the comfort of two girl roommates, lost some friends, reconnected with others, and split with a gentleman(I'm sure the list is not limited to this). All things considered, I feel as though I have kept it together... at least on the outside. As I near the end of this whirlwind of a year and creep closer to this quarter of a century business I am beginning to evaluate where I am at with my life and I honestly do not feel as though I am as accomplished as I thought I would be! I am not where I thought I would be, and the scares me to death.

As a young buck I figured I would be married with some (1) babies by now, I would be well on my way to owning a home maybe have a puppy and probably being the housewife of the century to my doting husband. I would live in overalls, and keep my hair tied back in a curly flowing ponytail with a bandana tied around my crown... you know basically just keeping it real! It is clear that my priorities have changed quite drastically! These days I am more concerned with making it through the day without looking like an idiot in front of cute fireman, how many dishes I am doing to force myself to do, and if I have a clean pair of tights to wear to work in the morning. The idea of having a family and a life such as the one I used to dream of is very surreal to me now, especially because I am not even in any sort of loving committed relationship with anyone but this wine glass I am nursing pretty well!

To be honest, at this juncture of my life I feel myself resenting those of my friends (and strangers on the street) who are in happy relationships. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond happy and proud of my loved ones who are able to keep it together and work hard at relationships because they are tricky b's I know that first hand. However I find myself questioning what is so wrong with me that I was part of a relationship that failed so miserably, and then I question why I even concern myself with these details anymore. <-- That right there opens up an entirely new can of worms for me everyday! The amount of love I have for this person is astounding to me, still. Even after all the garbage that was pulled I still feel myself uncontrollably drawn to this individual, but at the same time pushed far away (taking a drink... because that was one of the hardest sentences I've ever typed). So anyway, back to reality here. I am no longer in this relationship, and even after seven months it does not feel real. I want to wake up one morning to a remedied life, where everything is glorious and I am in a monogamous and consenting relationship. So far, that hasn't happened... I spend all night dreaming of weird things and waking up to odd Plenty Of Fish messages from 'men'.

Yes! New topic. Online dating guys - this is some weird ass shiz! I feel that as a found adult, meeting people is hard! Your friends try to set you up and it doesn't work out, if you're in school most of the other people are a couple of years younger than you, bars are just a weird place to meet someone who doesn't want to get in your pants and if you're anything like me the guys you work with are gay. So, as a 24 year old woman who was/is feeling a little frumpy and out of sorts I figured I would try this online business that has seemed to work for some people. Thus far... I am less than impressed! Let's be honest, men are weird! I haven't been able to figure it out. Instead of sharing normal conversations, I get a lot of 'hi's' and 'oh cool's' and my all time favorite 'so what are you looking for's?'. Last time I checked, dating sites were for dating, right? This leads me right into dates... going on dates! This is something I am so over I cannot even explain right now (stay tuned for that satirical piece I am also working on). Dates are interviews, I rock at interviews... but I get bored of doing them unless I know there is some sort of gain in it for me, and that has not been promising yet! So... 24 going on 25 and I don't want to go out on dates with men... figure that one out for me, eh!?

The cusp of 25... now I feel like I need to have something to show for my previous 24 years of "experience"? At this point I could show you some pretty fantastic student loans that I have to start paying right away. OH! I could also show you the obscene rent that I pay for my downtown apartment that has become even less appealing now that my bike was stolen and the nicer one beside it was left unscathed. Hmmmm... what else can I show for my life!? I guess I have a number of possessions... most of them being clothes and books... thats pretty sweet, right? I shouldn't forget my Photography Diploma, that is something I am pretty proud of! However, I still feel unaccomplished! I want so badly to be known for so much more! I have a list that grows everyday containing plans, ideas, and pipe dreams that I would love to accomplish!! I just need to find the motivation to do so. Societal construct suggests that I should have so much more to show for my life at this point, and I am falling into to trap believing that I am worth less than I might be because I don't have everything!

I am reaching a point in my life where others my age are doing weird things like buying house, getting married and having babies... what!? It is bizarre to me, but at the same time I am jealous! The people I fell down a mud hill with at safe grad with are being adults, and making adult decisions. I would love to be at that point in my life where some of those things are an option for me... I want something I can pour my entire heart soul and world into... I don't have that at this point! Believe me though, I will find something to smother with Becki-ness (sorry for that).

So... 24 going on 25 is learning experience for me. I am trying to figure out how to be happy and accepting of what I have and what I have accomplished instead of focusing on what I lack! Guys, I am learning this is the hardest thing I have ever done!

September 20 2013 I will be 25 years old. I will be a (probably)single Assistant Manager at Starbucks in Edmonton taking correspondence classes at the University of Athabasca to become a Public Relations something. I will still drink like I'm 19 (I like wine, okay) and hopefully my apartment will not resemble a frat house anymore! I will likely barely be able to cope with the idea of growing another year older, because frankly I am not ready for that but on the outside you will see a smiling wide-eyed girl! Look closely and you will see all those insecurities just waiting for someone to hold my hand and pull them out. As I battle all these anxieties and insecurities I have given a silent vow to make 25 great, everything I missed out on at 24 in the haze of depression will be recognized at 25! I am going to make my bucket list my b-- and accomplish the heck out of everything. It's going to be an interesting year, and I can't wait to see what I come up with.

Turning a quarter of a century is weird, like really weird! I am stuck in this paradox of wanting to be an adult (which I suppose I have been for awhile now) but also wanting to be a friggin teenager! 

So, as I venture into the land of 25 bear with me as I figure out how to walk in these shoes and if I seem distant... you freaking bet I am! I am lost in how to be 25 because I was lost for my entire year of being 24. I didn't realize that this is what being 25 was going to be like, and I don't think I am ready for it... Let's do it though... I haven't figured out how to stop time yet.

It's going to be okay, right?